WARNING: This post is pretty blunt. Not as blunt as it could be, but it's definitely more honest and frank than anything I've ever posted before. I'm aware that there could be some negative backlash to this post, and I'm taking this opportunity to say:
keep it to yourself if you don't agree with me.
Posting this took a lot of courage on my part, + I don't need any negative feedback or rude/condescending comments from people who disagree with what I've posted, or don't think it should have been shared in such a public place.
I also am not claiming that all church leaders teach things in this way. As I say later on in the post, I personally have had positive experiences with most of this information. In this post, I am referring specifically to the negative situations I have heard about from friends, which are thankfully more rare than the positive. BUT just because they are rare, does not mean we should sweep them under the rug + not talk about them. They need to be addressed.
This is the second part of a two-part post that has been on my mind over the past few months, but I've been struggling with how to get my thoughts out. A post by my good friend Tiffanie on her blog, which can be found here, finally gave me the brain juice/courage to move forward with my thoughts. So shoutout to Tiff + a big thanks for helping my brain work properly! I'm so pleased by the positive response I received from the first part of this post on Modesty, + hope that this will receive equal attention.
Chastity + Intimacy
I've had several girlfriends who have told me that they had leaders growing up who would give lessons in which a woman's virginity was compared to a flower, and when it was lost, that flower wilted and died, becoming useless. When asked about these lessons, young men were shocked to learn about this metaphor. They had not been taught about chastity in the same way at all.
So my first question, to which I personally have no answer, is:
Why are girls being taught in this way, but not the boys? Is chastity not as important for men as it is for women?
I'm sure if anyone were to ask someone in the church whether chastity was of equal importance for both genders, they would wholeheartedly agree. Men and women are required to live the same standards in the gospel, from not drinking alcohol to having a charitable heart, and of course that would include remaining sexually pure.
Chastity is not supposed to be a sexist concept. So why are we treating it as one?
Another one of my friends told me:
"My YW leaders basically were teaching that having sex was a sin instead of
teaching that it's a sin to have sex when you are NOT married cause when you are
married it's actually really important and sacred and beautiful. I know plenty of
people who are terrified by the idea of having sex when they get married or people
that got married and felt like since they weren't virgins anymore, they lost almost all
their value."
Thankfully I had good experiences learning about the law of chastity and was never made to
feel demeaned or dirty, but hearing this information from friends of mine who had grown
up in the church and been taught these things at a very young age really scared me.
To quote Tiff's post titled "Lace & Pretty Things":
"If you're anything like me, you grow up with this idea that sex is a no-no-no, and once you get married, all of your family and friends, (the same ones who told you to save yourself and refrain for so long) now support your "new found sexual identity" as a go-go-go. It's SIMPLY FRUSTRATING...I remember when we got engaged, how suddenly everyone who feels so inclined tries to start having these 'sex prep' talks with you that in my opinion, should have been happening throughout the entire duration of your life, not just a week or month before you say I do."
When I read this, I nearly jumped off the couch in
excitement. FINALLY there was someone who understood
what had been going through my mind for the past six
months, and had the courage to say it!
Sex is a taboo topic in the LDS culture, and probably in a lot of cultures in general, because it's a big, scary, intimidating, awkward topic. I'm sure that nothing scares a parent more than realizing that the time has come for you to give the "birds and the bees" lesson to their child. I do not in any way look forward to the day when I have to have that discussion with my own child, as I'm sure it will be excruciatingly painful for both of us.
HOWEVER.
That is no excuse for the lack of information we receive as we become adults, get engaged to someone, and prepare for marriage. We are taught about the sacredness of marriage, the difficulties we will experience as newlyweds and even later on after we're "well-seasoned" married folks.
But we are not taught about what is supposed to happen
after we drive away from our wedding reception, probably in
a car that has soda cans tied to the bumper and writing all
over the car windows proclaiming "JUST MARRIED".
I'm not saying that parents should sit us down and explain the nitty gritty details of what is going to occur. But I think that people need to be educated more about what comes after marriage, in terms of intimacy. Whether we learn it in a "Preparing for Marriage" class through church, or a tastefully written book, we need more education on the subject.
Along with this idea of more education, I think we need to be more understanding of those who are looking for answers. I've had several friends going through the process of preparing for marriage, and they were made to feel embarrassed if they had questions relating to intimacy. If they attempted research in the form of a book or even online, they were made to feel ashamed of their desire to understand and be prepared.
We need to support couples who are preparing to be
married, and make them feel that their questions are valid
and appropriate, as well as welcome.
There's a commercial out right now that jokingly uses the phrase "Better that he learns it here than on the streets!" I think that concept definitely applies here.
If our loved ones or friends are not comfortable coming to us with their questions, where will they get their information? Possibly from somewhere that does not have the right answers.
