A Busy Week + General Conference

This week was another hectic one with lots of homework, classes, cleaning, and of course spending time together with Zoe. The weather in Idaho right now is still pretty wonderful, so Jake and I have enjoyed taking Zoe on walks almost every night this past week!

This past weekend was General Conference, and I loved every minute of it. Jake had to work on Saturday so he wasn't able to watch those sessions with me, but Zoe and I cuddled up on the couch together and enjoyed hearing from church leaders and being inspired. Over the past few months we've lost three apostles, and over the weekend three new ones were announced! I can't wait to learn more about the three great men that have been called to help lead our church. Hearing them bear their testimonies on Sunday morning was so touching!

My favorite talk was given by Sister Neill Marriott, one of the counselors in the General Young Women Presidency. Her talk was so sweet and I felt the spirit so strongly as she testified to us of the power of pressing forward in difficult times, and shared her own personal experiences with trials that have tested her faith. I can't wait to go back and read her talk again once it's online!

Bullying in the Church

It makes me incredibly sad that in a gospel so focused on the love of Jesus Christ, bullying is still something many of the members deal with on a regular basis--particularly in female-driven groups, such as Relief Society and Young Women. Some of this bullying is simple teasing with good intentions, and might not even be considered cruel by the person accused. But hundreds of people experience painful situations and hurtful comments far too often to be considered entirely accidental.

There is a fine line between taking offense too easily, and allowing yourself to be abused. I firmly believe in the idea that we can choose whether something offends us or not, and whether those incidences cause us to leave the church. However, we should not allow ourselves (or others) to be put in situations where we are belittled, abused, or made to feel less than the children of God that we each are.

Here are some suggestions I have to help bullying in the church become a problem of the past.

Avoid gossip.

Whether this means keeping your mouth shut when you have a piece of information you're dying to share with others, plugging your ears and humming to yourself when others around you are discussing someone's personal life, or simply walking away, just avoid gossiping. Think before you speak. It's really that simple! Take a look at these three steps to avoid gossiping from this article:

1. Don’t talk about people. If you’ve run across some information or have a less than positive observation, don’t go sharing it with everyone. If you wouldn’t say what you’re about to say directly to the person who is the subject of your gossip, don’t talk about it. The only exception to this rule would be if someone is in some form of danger. Then, use common sense and tell somebody who can help. But outside of that, don’t talk about folks. OK? Moving on...

2. When you’re with a very close friend enjoying a nice conversation and perfectly paired Sauvignon Blanc, you may start chatting about folks in your friend group. When you start to do that, read No. 1 again.

3. If it seems like a perfectly justified and innocent time to share, AND you’re doing it out of the spiritual well being of that person, AND you have good intentions and no malice in your heart, read No. 1 again. Not kidding.

 

Love one another.

As terribly cliche and naive as this may sound, loving each other really does help. When we have the right intentions, we're less likely to hurt others by what we say or do. Put yourself in that person's shoes and ask whether you would appreciate being treated in a certain way. Even if we do hurt someone, hopefully the pain can end quickly when the "victim" learns of our genuine intentions.

Take a breath and let it go, let it go...

This one goes out to the victims/potential victims of bullying.
Do.
Not.
Go.
Looking.
For.
Reasons.
To.
Be.
Offended.
There are some people who, no matter how hard they try, always seem to put their foot in their mouth. And sometimes you just have to learn to roll with the punches, laugh it off, and let go. If it really becomes a repeated problem, maybe you shouldn't be taking things so lightly. But try to let things go as much as possible. Holding a grudge will only hurt you in the end, not the bully.

Talk with your leaders.

Sometimes the experiences we have with bullies aren't necessarily from our "colleagues", but from a leader in our group: a Young Women's president, a Relief Society counselor, etc. So we feel that we have nowhere to turn when we need help. But there is always a higher authority! Talk to your bishop. If he's the problem, go to your stake president, and so on.

Pray.

This seems to be the answer for every problem known to man, and that's probably because it works so dang well. I've had personal experiences where I was having trouble dealing with a certain person, and prayed for the strength I needed to be patient, understanding, and forgiving. And it worked wonders! Take the time to pour your heart out to God, and I promise He'll find a way to help you. God's got your back.

Bittersweet Week

This week was a busy one with the fair every single day. It was exhausting being out in that heat for so many hours, but it was fun getting to spend time with family.

This week I also lost my Papa, after a long and painful battle with Alzheimer's. He's been "gone" mentally for several years, so in some ways I had already said my goodbyes to him. It's a relief knowing that he's no longer suffering or confused by daily routine or people who he's known for a long time seeming like strangers to him. I'm so grateful for the fun memories I have with him, and the passion we both share for music, Disney (he worked for them for several years), books, and roses. Every time I see a rose, I think of my Papa and his beautiful garden that he treated like one of his own children. He spent more time in the backyard taking care of that garden than most people I know would care to do. At least once a week, he would go out into the garden in the early morning or evening (he taught me that this is the best time to pick roses) and gather a few blooms to bring in for my Nana to put in a vase. Their love is something that inspires me daily in my own marriage.

However, this week was also a great one because today Jake and I have been married for one whole year! It's crazy to think that it's been a year since we were sealed for time and eternity in the Los Angeles Temple. It feels like so much longer, but in some ways it also feels like we've only been married a month or two. Time is a strange thing.

This Week's Spiritual Thought

My Nana and Papa (aka Louise and Tom) in the 1950s, shortly
after they were married

Even though my grandparents weren't married in the temple because my Papa isn't LDS, I know that families are forever. Next summer, I'll be helping my family do the temple work that's necessary to seal my grandparents together so that they can be husband and wife in heaven. After over 60 years of marriage on earth, I think they'd be pretty happy to know that they get to spend eternity in heaven with each other! It just wouldn't be heaven without being able to be with your loved ones.

Eternal Marriage Matters

If I had to sum it up in a few words, I would leave it at this: eternal marriage is worth the wait.

I am grateful every day that I made the choice years ago to wait for a temple marriage. I set goals for myself, and for my future spouse. I'm thankful that I found a worthy guy who not only holds the priesthood, but is loving, kind, goofy, responsible, and going to make a wonderful father someday. And when I wake up next to him every morning and realize that I can keep this man for eternity...I can't even describe how precious that knowledge is to me. Our marriage isn't perfect, but through prayer and scripture study together, we're learning day by day how to overcome our pride or shortcomings and work together to solve our problems.

There are going to be times where you feel like you aren't meant to get married, or that you don't have the option to marry someone else LDS. But I promise that that is NOT true! 

Convincing us that we are unable to get married in the temple is just another way that Satan makes us feel worthless, and pulls us farther away from Heavenly Father. Don't let him win. Never let yourself believe that you are not worth a temple marriage, because you are. No matter what your past holds. The Atonement is there to make us clean again; to give us the opportunity to enter the temple again. 

Everyone deserves to find that special person who will love them not only for every day of this earthly life, but for every day of eternity. 

Keep pressing forward, keep working towards a temple marriage. You will find your eternal companion someday, and it'll all be worth it. I promise.

Overcoming My Pride

Those who know me well know that it was never my intention to get married young. I even had a habit of looking down on or pitying those girls who got married fresh out of high school, or even while in college, because their lives seemed so stressful. Plus marriage was a big decision, why rush? Take your time, date while you're in school, and THEN get married. It seemed like that would make things a lot easier.

Here's a picture of me at my high school graduation in 2010

When Jake and I started dating I knew there was something different about him, as cheesy as that may sound. And when I started praying about marrying him, I discovered something very quickly: I was going to have to swallow my pride and admit that I had been wrong about the best time for me to get married. 

It was an extremely difficult process for me to admit that I had to give up my plan (school, then marriage) because it wasn't what God had in mind for me. I'm grateful that even though I'm a stubborn person, I was able to change the path I was on in order to do what was right. And once I made that decision, my stubbornness became a strength because no one else could convince me that I was making the wrong choice!

The moral of the story is this: never tell God you've got your life completely figured out, because chances are pretty good that there's something unexpected waiting in the wings. I'm so glad I gave my unexpected change a chance, and married Jake!

People say that the first year of marriage is the hardest. While our first year hasn't been a piece of cake and Jake and I have definitely had our struggles, it hasn't been as difficult as I was anticipating. So if things only go up from here, I can't wait to see what the future years of marriage have in store for us!

Three Things I Wish I Understood Before Getting Married

In my opinion, you can know something without understanding it. You can grasp the concept of something, but not really understand what it means for you or your life. There are (at least) three things that I knew before Jake and I got married, but I don't think I truly understood. And while they may seem like "well, duh" concepts, think about whether or not you truly understand the consequences of these ideas, or if you simply know them.

One: All your problems, insecurities, and weaknesses won't magically go away once you get married.
I remember thinking back when I was in middle and high school that once I got married, I'd be happy with myself and I would never have to work on any of my weaknesses again, since I would be nearly perfect once I found a husband. I would be beautiful, smart, 100% organized, and never make any stupid choices. And that definitely sounds like a foolish mindset, but I'm sure I'm not alone in feeling that way. However, just because Jake thinks I'm incredible does not mean I always see myself that way. I still struggle with feeling imperfect, and I battle with my weaknesses like impatience and communication. In some ways it's become harder since I've gotten married because now I feel like if I'm not as great as I could be, I'm letting my husband down.

Two: You (and your spouse) will have to make your own choices, not just do what your parents have done.
The scriptures say that once you're married, you need to "cleave unto your spouse." To me this means that when Jake and I are making a decision we need to decide together what we should do, not just rely on the opinions of our parents and their (possibly) similar experiences. This has been something I've struggled with more than I anticipated. For 22 years, I was used to calling my mom and dad for advice on pretty much all situations. Changing my mindset from "Mom and Dad have the answer" to "Jake and I will come up with an answer together" is very very difficult.

Three: No matter what you do or say, there will always be people who disagree with the way you and your spouse "handle" your marriage.
Everyone has differing opinions on the qualities that make a good marriage. Some of them are truly necessary: love, respect, and patience, to name a few. But other smaller qualities aren't so necessary, and because every relationship functions differently, may not be a good idea for some couples. The choices Jake and I make as husband and wife (such as the decision to not have kids yet) are poked and prodded at by certain people. But when it comes down to it, our marriage is none of your business. The only people who have the right to know what is going on are God, Jake and I. And while it's tempting to seek the approval of others, especially in today's world so driven by "likes" and comments on social media posts, approval from others is not necessary.

Online Dating

With apps like Tinder and many others, the whole online dating scene is becoming a pretty big thing. And there are a LOT of mixed feelings about this topic, especially from older generations. They tend to have an extremely negative view about dating online, and are (obnoxiously) vocal about it. They say that nothing good can ever come of it, that you're not even talking to the person you think you are, etc. 

Let me be blunt: these people need to get their heads out of their butts and out into the real world. 

When the internet first started and chat rooms became a thing, yes they were very dangerous. Webcams were uncommon, and Facebook and other social media weren't even around/popular, so it was easy for people to pretend to be someone they weren't. In 2015 with the way technology has progressed, it's nearly impossible for someone to disguise themselves, as long as we're all taking the right precautions.

I'm a HUGE advocate for online dating/friendships, and you know why? Jake and I met online. Through Facebook, yes, so it wasn't as "scandalous" as it could have been, but still. People are either pleasantly surprised when we share this information, or they're completely put off from ever speaking to us again. And I find that SO SAD. Just because the first time I spoke to my spouse was through a computer screen doesn't make our love any less real or "right."

Here's a picture of Jake and I on our first weekend together
in person, after talking online (Facebook, Skype, etc) for 3
months

Countless church leaders have spoken about the power for good (and for evil) that the internet holds, and I believe that online dating is just another one of those opportunities. I've heard countless horror stories about online dates gone horribly wrong, creepy messages or cyber-stalkers, and so much more. While those are common, there are so many good opportunities on these sites! We have an opportunity to share the gospel, or to find other LDS people who we may never have met in person. Jake and I definitely would not have met if it hadn't been for the LDS Facebook group that we were both members of; he lived in Texas, and I was in California.

Let me conclude by saying this: just because a couple met online doesn't mean they aren't a good match. If anything, they might be a better match than some couples that meet in person: people that meet online tend to be more likely to share common interests and get to know each others' personalities before seeing the physical side of things.

Our First Dance

The song that played for our first dance as husband and wife was "Forever Like That" by Ben Rector. Jake and I chose this song because the first time we heard it, we both fell in love with it. The message is beautiful, and when we were dating long distance it was one of our favorite songs to listen to together. 

Well I'll be your rainy day lover. Whenever the sunny days end.

And whatever the weather, we have each other.

And that's how the story will end.

Well I'll be your shade tree in summer,

If you'll be my fire when it's cold.

And whatever the season, well, we'll keep on breathing.

Cause we'll have each other to hold.

I'll hold you-and I'll sing.

I wanna love you, forever I do.

I wanna spend all of my days with you.

I'll carry your burdens and be the wind at your back.

I wanna spend my forever-forever like that.

Well I'll be the words on the pages,

If you'll be my sweet melody.

And the tune can keep changing, cause I'll keep arranging.

And this is the song that we'll sing.

We'll sing ooo

I wanna love you, forever I do.

I wanna spend all of my days with you.

I'll carry your burdens and be the wind at your back.

I wanna spend my forever-forever like that.

When the rain comes, I'll be your shelter.

When the winds blow, we'll be together.

When the storms they rise, I'll be right here by your side.

And I'll sing:

I'm gonna love you, forever I do.

I'm gonna spend all my days with you.

I'll carry your burdens and be the wind at your back.

I'm gonna spend my forever-forever like that.

Soulmates

Happy August! Since this is the month that Jake and I got married, all of my posts will be related to relationships, marriage, etc. You get the idea.

So, soulmates: real or fake?

There are a lot of general authorities who have spoken about this, and within the church it's usually a general belief that soulmates don't exist. 

"I don't believe there is only one right person for you. I think I fell in love with my wife, Harriett, from the first moment I saw her. Nevertheless,...I don't believe she was my one chance at happiness in this life, nor was I hers...Once you commit to being married, your spouse becomes your soul mate, and it is your duty and responsibility to work every day to keep it that way." 
-President Uchtdorf 

That statement pretty much sums up my opinion on soul mates. While I believe there are certain people that I could have never married and gotten along with, I think it's possible for almost any two people to make a marriage work if they both have their hearts in the right place, and a strong relationship with God. No marriage is ever perfect, but the trials couples go through can be overcome through prayer and scripture study, especially when they're done as a couple. Strengthening your relationship with God together strengthens your bond as husband and wife: God is like the glue that holds us together.

Sisters, You Don't Have to Serve

"Really? No mission? Oh."

I cannot tell you how many times I've gotten that reaction from people at church or up here at BYU-Idaho when they meet Jake and I. Jake served a mission, and I didn't. And apparently that makes me a bad person, because I didn't spend 18 months in a state/country that isn't my own, preaching the gospel. And now that I'm married, it's "too late."

There's a lot of pressure within the church right now for women to serve a mission before marriage. It used to be that serving a mission was something girls did if they weren't married by the time they hit 21, or a rare few who decided to serve before that point and made sure not to seriously date anyone so they wouldn't get "tied down" before they could hit the field. If a girl hits 19 and isn't engaged, people start to wonder why she isn't turning in her papers and heading out into the world to preach the gospel.

This is one of those things that can cause people to become inactive, because the line between the culture of the church and the gospel is blurred. But newsflash, people: a mission is not a requirement, or even highly recommended, for sisters. And I don't mean that to sound sexist, since boys are "required" to serve if they can. But women don't have that same obligation.

The gospel is perfect, the people aren't. I cannot say that phrase enough. 

To quote this article on LDS Living entitled "Do Sisters Feel Pressure to Serve Missions?":

"Occasionally I would see these girls pressured by other Relief Society sisters or even brethren in the ward, but no matter where the pressure came from, the pressure was never productive. Little phrases like, 'Have you thought about serving?' were well intentioned, but they actually made some sisters feel as if they were required to go-which wasn't true."

If you're about to judge a girl for choosing not to serve a mission, or even for deciding not to go after she's received her call (and maybe she's getting married instead), think about this: do you really want a missionary in the field that isn't 100% dedicated to serving and sharing the gospel? 

I've heard countless stories of elders going into the field and not really wanting to be there, but serving because they felt outside pressure to do so. Jake had several experiences like this in his mission of trying to train companions who were unenthusiastically out in the field. And it drove him CRAZY! Can you imagine what that would be like for investigators or inactive members meeting with the missionaries, and unable to see the love for the gospel in the eyes of the elders (or sisters) they're speaking with?

Unwilling missionaries can, in my opinion, hinder the progress of the gospel more than help it.

Don't serve unless you want to. If you want to, GREAT! Amazing! Wonderful! Thank you for doing so. And I truly mean that; my dad is a convert so if it wasn't for the missionaries I would not be who I am today.

To all those sisters out there who are choosing to serve missions, I applaud you. And to all those who are choosing not to serve, I applaud you as well, and send you a fist bump of compassion and understanding for all those who look at you out of the corner of their eyes, who ask you why you aren't filling out your papers with mock concern for your well-being; who are judging and believing that you have a weaker testimony than those who have chosen to serve.

Brighten Someone's Day

Yesterday, I shared this thought along with a quote picture on Facebook and Instagram:

"We all judge others every single day, whether we mean to or not. There is so much anger and sadness in this world and we have a responsibility to do something to change that. If your actions come from a place of genuine concern and love, they are probably going to make the world a better place. But no matter how noble you believe your actions to be, if they come from a place of prejudice or conceit, you're only hurting others. The intent behind our actions is a powerful thing, people. I challenge you to do something for someone who is broken in some way. Not because you pity them, but because you truly want to help. Live your life serving others. Love more authentically."

I think this is a really important concept for people to understand, so I wanted to add a bit more by sharing my top 5 favorite ways of brightening someone's day.

1. Send them a text, email, handwritten letter, etc.

There is nothing I love more than contact that comes from out of the blue and shows that someone was thinking of me and wanting me to know that they love me. It completely brightens my day and helps me to know how appreciated I am, even if I'm hearing from someone that I haven't talked to in quite some time; maybe especially then. Show someone that you care! Words are powerful.

2. Smile.

This sounds SUPER cliche, but it can make all the difference. If someone sees that you're happy to see them, chances are that joy will rub off on them. Just smile! :D

3. Hug them.

This varies from person to person since I know a lot of people don't like to be touched, but a hug can convey a lot of things that can't easily be said in words.

4. Show genuine concern/care for them and their burdens.

This is totally a "duh" concept, but surprisingly one that people forget. Make sure that if you're listening to someone's problems, you're not sitting there waiting for them to stop talking so you can launch into your story of how you/your mom/someone you know went through the same thing, and this happened, and blah blah blah. No. Genuinely listen to what they have to say, and provide feedback/commentary IF USEFUL. Don't say something merely to respond to them, but make what you say count, if you MUST say something. Sometimes your words aren't needed, just someone to vent to can make all the difference.

5. Make them something.

I'm a crafter/baker/creator at heart, so this comes second nature to me: making someone a little gift. Whether that's a handmade card that I've written (using #1 AND #5 in one go!), a plate of cookies, or an embroidered work of art, I love taking time out of my day to create something for someone else. And when someone receives these kinds of gifts, they're usually more touched than you would expect. Give someone the gift of your time, through something you've created for them!

I Believe

Another blog post idea I found was to write about ten things that you believe. Working on this post over the past week or so has really made me pause and think about just that. There are hundreds of things I could say I believe in: that the grass is green or that chocolate is a God-given gift, but are those truly the ten most important things that I want to talk about? Not really. Through writing this post, I've learned more about what my priorities in life are.

I believe that we are all children of God.

God created each and every one of us individually. Tall, short, big, small, blue eyes, brown eyes, red hair, blonde. We're all our own separate person with our own strengths and weaknesses, desires, hopes, and quirks. God made us that way on purpose, and no two people are exactly alike.

I believe in love.
Love is eternal, because it comes from God. His love is without end, because HE is without end. Every day we have opportunities to show that love to those around us, in small or huge ways. Everyone on this planet looks for that person who they want to spend the rest of forever with, and that desire is God-given. We are "programmed" to love others, romantically or otherwise.

I believe in respect.
When I worked at McDonald's for nine months, I was extremely surprised and hurt by how rudely I was treated by customers on a daily basis. They assumed that because I was working in the fast food industry, I must be a complete idiot with no future. It was very hard for me to continue seeing myself as a decent human being when I was constantly being treated like garbage. 

Respect is so so powerful. Just treating someone with kindness, patience, or an understanding attitude can make a world of difference. When we treat others the way we want to be treated (which is HOPEFULLY with respect), we are helping to make the world just a teeny tiny bit better. Respect should not have to be earned, it should be given freely until someone proves that they do not deserve it. And even then, we should still try our best to treat that person kindly. 

I believe that we are each responsible for our own destiny.

Our lives will be what we decide. No matter our circumstances, our attitude towards our struggles or times of success will be what make us who we are. It doesn't matter if we graduated at the top of our class or became the president, or if we dropped out of high school and worked at McDonald's our entire earthly existence. There are some people who have it all, and still seem SO unhappy with their lives. And there are others who have practically nothing and are the happiest people in the world. We make our own destiny because destiny is not what happens to us, but what we do with our circumstances.

I believe in the power of service.

Whether we're rescuing a kitten from a tree, helping an old lady cross the street, or simply smiling at a stranger we walk by, service is powerful. Not only for those we help, but for ourselves. When I'm having a bad day or upset about something, doing an act of kindness for someone else immediately replaces that devastating emotion with joy. SERVE OTHERS! 

I believe in the importance of capturing and preserving memories.

Anyone that knows me well knows how obsessed I am with taking photos and scrapbooking them. But what some people probably don't know is that I also keep a journal, which I write in daily. I'm also heavily involved in family history work (genealogy). In our lifetime, keeping record of daily occurrences has become 1000x easier because of the internet and specifically social media. It makes me smile when I think about how 20-30 years from now, if I want my kids to know what I was really like, I can just find my Facebook or Instagram page and show them. They'll be able to get a real idea of what I was like at their age, instead of just looking at pictures or hearing stories secondhand from another relative or even from me. They'll get the 100% truth of what was going on inside my head when I was seventeen, or thirteen, or whatever. They could really know me, as a real person; not just "Mom", if they wanted to. 

While social media is incredible, I also believe that keeping a journal is extremely important. I love being able to go back and read over things that upset me or made me happy as far back as middle school, and laugh at how ridiculous, or sometimes astonishingly intuitive, I was at that age. We forget the little day to day occurrences and take them for granted, and when we can look back on what we've been through it gives us more of an appreciation for the lives we've created for ourselves.

I believe in forgiveness.

I'm only 22 years old and I'm sure the words "I'm sorry" have escaped my lips more than a million times. I can only imagine how many more times throughout my life I will have to utter those same words. And I have heard them hundreds of times from other people--family, friends, coworkers, etc. 

Forgiveness is a very difficult thing, and it is especially difficult when we have to forgive someone who has not asked us to, due to their belief that they were in the right, being completely unaware of making an offense, or several other reasons. Forgiveness requires humility, selflessness, and patience. But without forgiveness our lives would be very one-dimensional and somewhat pointless. At some point in my life, I have had to forgive the people I love most, usually multiple times. Without that forgiveness I would not be able to move on and continue loving them and making memories with them. Without forgiveness, the people we love would be constantly replaced by new people until THEY did something offensive, and so on. We would never develop life-long relationships with people, or grow to know them on a deeper level as the years progressed. Forgiveness is essential.

I believe in learning.

Coming from a future teacher, this is probably not surprising at all. But I believe in the importance of constantly learning new things and improving our talents, whether that's a sport, new cooking recipes, or working towards our desired profession. Our minds are not meant to stop growing once we hit a certain age! God designed us in such a way that we should always be changing and growing, learning from our mistakes and gaining more knowledge. What we learn in this life is one of the few things we'll be able to take with us after death, so we should gain as much knowledge as we can. 

I believe in cultivating a positive self-image.

Every woman, no matter what she looks like, is beautiful. Tall, short, curvy, skinny, you name it. Every woman is beautiful no matter what her size, even though the media tells us otherwise. Body positivity is something every woman (and some men) struggle with; it's a serious problem in our current society. Negative self-image can lead to depression, eating disorders, and other psychological or physical problems. We need to work on seeing ourselves as the amazing people that we really are!

I believe in creativity.

As an extremely crafty person, I LOVE creating things. I think it's important to do something creative every day. That could be scrapbooking, or painting, or just doodling on your notebook page during a lecture in class. We all have the power to create things on a daily basis and we should take advantage of it.


What do you believe?

Chastity + Intimacy

WARNING: This post is pretty blunt. Not as blunt as it could be, but it's definitely more honest and frank than anything I've ever posted before. I'm aware that there could be some negative backlash to this post, and I'm taking this opportunity to say: 

keep it to yourself if you don't agree with me.

Posting this took a lot of courage on my part, + I don't need any negative feedback or rude/condescending comments from people who disagree with what I've posted, or don't think it should have been shared in such a public place. 

I also am not claiming that all church leaders teach things in this way. As I say later on in the post, I personally have had positive experiences with most of this information. In this post, I am referring specifically to the negative situations I have heard about from friends, which are thankfully more rare than the positive. BUT just because they are rare, does not mean we should sweep them under the rug + not talk about them. They need to be addressed.

This is the second part of a two-part post that has been on my mind over the past few months, but I've been struggling with how to get my thoughts out. A post by my good friend Tiffanie on her blog, which can be found here, finally gave me the brain juice/courage to move forward with my thoughts. So shoutout to Tiff + a big thanks for helping my brain work properly! I'm so pleased by the positive response I received from the first part of this post on Modesty, + hope that this will receive equal attention.

Chastity + Intimacy

I've had several girlfriends who have told me that they had leaders growing up who would give lessons in which a woman's virginity was compared to a flower, and when it was lost, that flower wilted and died, becoming useless. When asked about these lessons, young men were shocked to learn about this metaphor. They had not been taught about chastity in the same way at all. 

So my first question, to which I personally have no answer, is: 

Why are girls being taught in this way, but not the boys? Is chastity not as important for men as it is for women?

I'm sure if anyone were to ask someone in the church whether chastity was of equal importance for both genders, they would wholeheartedly agree. Men and women are required to live the same standards in the gospel, from not drinking alcohol to having a charitable heart, and of course that would include remaining sexually pure.

Chastity is not supposed to be a sexist concept. So why are we treating it as one? 

Another one of my friends told me:  

"My YW leaders basically were teaching that having sex was a sin instead of 

teaching that it's a sin to have sex when you are NOT married cause when you are 

married it's actually really important and sacred and beautiful. I know plenty of 

people who are terrified by the idea of having sex when they get married or people 

that got married and felt like since they weren't virgins anymore, they lost almost all 

their value."

Thankfully I had good experiences learning about the law of chastity and was never made to 

feel demeaned or dirty, but hearing this information from friends of mine who had grown 

up in the church and been taught these things at a very young age really scared me.

To quote Tiff's post titled "Lace & Pretty Things":

"If you're anything like me, you grow up with this idea that sex is a no-no-no, and once you get married, all of your family and friends, (the same ones who told you to save yourself and refrain for so long) now support your "new found sexual identity" as a go-go-go. It's SIMPLY FRUSTRATING...I remember when we got engaged, how suddenly everyone who feels so inclined tries to start having these 'sex prep' talks with you that in my opinion, should have been happening throughout the entire duration of your life, not just a week or month before you say I do."

When I read this, I nearly jumped off the couch in

 excitement. FINALLY there was someone who understood

what had been going through my mind for the past six

months, and had the courage to say it! 

Sex is a taboo topic in the LDS culture, and probably in a lot of cultures in general, because it's a big, scary, intimidating, awkward topic. I'm sure that nothing scares a parent more than realizing that the time has come for you to give the "birds and the bees" lesson to their child. I do not in any way look forward to the day when I have to have that discussion with my own child, as I'm sure it will be excruciatingly painful for both of us.

HOWEVER.

That is no excuse for the lack of information we receive as we become adults, get engaged to someone, and prepare for marriage. We are taught about the sacredness of marriage, the difficulties we will experience as newlyweds and even later on after we're "well-seasoned" married folks. 

But we are not taught about what is supposed to happen 

after we drive away from our wedding reception, probably in 

a car that has soda cans tied to the bumper and writing all 

over the car windows proclaiming "JUST MARRIED". 

I'm not saying that parents should sit us down and explain the nitty gritty details of what is going to occur. But I think that people need to be educated more about what comes after marriage, in terms of intimacy. Whether we learn it in a "Preparing for Marriage" class through church, or a tastefully written book, we need more education on the subject. 

Along with this idea of more education, I think we need to be more understanding of those who are looking for answers. I've had several friends going through the process of preparing for marriage, and they were made to feel embarrassed if they had questions relating to intimacy. If they attempted research in the form of a book or even online, they were made to feel ashamed of their desire to understand and be prepared. 

We need to support couples who are preparing to be 

married, and make them feel that their questions are valid 

and appropriate, as well as welcome. 

There's a commercial out right now that jokingly uses the phrase "Better that he learns it here than on the streets!" I think that concept definitely applies here. 

If our loved ones or friends are not comfortable coming to us with their questions, where will they get their information? Possibly from somewhere that does not have the right answers.

Modesty

This is the first part of a two-part post that has been on my mind over the past few months, but I've been struggling with how to get my thoughts out. While this post doesn't relate completely, it was a post by my good friend Tiffanie on her blog, which can be found here, that finally gave me the brain juice/courage to move forward with my thoughts. So shoutout to Tiff + a big thanks for helping my brain work properly!

Let me start by saying that I think dressing modestly is extremely important. I believe that modest dress is a way of showing respect for the body that God has given each of us. 

Our bodies are temples, and they should be treated with as much care and respect as temples would be. 

I've always tried to dress as though I had already gone through the temple and started wearing garments, partly because I didn't want to have to completely redo my wardrobe once that happened, and because I wanted to show my body respect. One of the small things I take pride in is being able to look back over photos from high school dances and prom, or just random days out with friends, and see that my clothes never really "changed" from the way that I dress now, after having gone through the temple.

Recently, LDS Living came out with this article and I was really impressed by what was discussed. I highly recommend that you read it before you continue reading my post, since doing so will definitely help to give you more context/understanding as to what I'm talking about here.

While modesty has been something that I've felt very strongly about for as long as I can remember, and hasn't really been an issue for me, the deeper issue that the article discussed was something that resonated powerfully with me. So I've decided to add my thoughts on the matter, in the hopes of bringing the issue to the attention of my friends and family (the only ones who care to read my blog, since I have yet to achieve "internet fame.")

The article on LDS Living had five points they made about teaching youth modesty in a more effective way. Their second comment was: 

"Refrain from blaming girls for 'putting bad thoughts into boys' heads.'" 

This was the particular message that struck me, because of my own experiences with this issue. Growing up as a member of the LDS faith, I attended Young Women; the class for girls ages 12-18 that met for one hour on Sundays for a lesson, as well as mid-week for a spiritual meeting/fun activity. 

At these meetings, whenever modesty was discussed, we were always taught that it was our responsibility as girls/women to help control boys' thoughts and actions towards us and to keep them from having immoral feelings, caused by how we dressed. 

Don't get me wrong--I loved my leaders growing up, and I learned a LOT from them. But I didn't necessarily agree with everything they said.

This idea of girls being in control of guys' thoughts bothered, and still does bother me to this day, for three main reasons:

1. I could dress in a t-shirt and jeans and no one would bat an eye, but there might be one or two boys who found that type of outfit arousing. That meant I would be causing immoral thoughts in someone, based on my dress. BUT the way I was dressed was not inherently sexual or inappropriate at all, and generally accepted by many as being a "modest" outfit. I could dress in a giant shapeless smock, and still there COULD be someone who would find that outfit sexual.

2. When we were taught about modesty, our leaders constantly focused on it as being about what one chose to wear, not about how one chose to act. I knew several girls throughout middle school and high school who, though dressed modestly, acted in ways completely contrary to what modest dress is supposed to achieve. They were lewd and inappropriate, taking flirting to the extreme on several occasions. There were times when I would be at a church activity or at school and I would look over, see what these girls were doing, and literally cover my face because I could not stand to watch what was happening. But they were wearing a high-necked shirt and "not too tight" jeans, so that MUST mean their actions were ok, right? No. 

3. Boys are not treated the same way, in terms of modesty. They are taught not to wear clothing that's too tight or too baggy, yes, but what about tank tops or going shirtless? If girls are told to "cover up" so that boys don't feel uncomfortable, shouldn't boys do the same? Why is it acceptable for a girl to have a poster of some shirtless male celebrity on her wall, but boys are frowned upon for having a revealing poster of a woman?

When I was getting ready to leave for school in Idaho and met with my bishop (the president of our church group), on one occasion I brought up how we were taught this way in Young Women. He was astonished. My normally calm bishop grew extremely agitated VERY quickly, saying: 

"That is completely unacceptable. The boys have just as much responsibility for these issues as the girls do; it's not entirely up to you ladies."

Hearing that really surprised me, because it was the first person I had ever heard who disagreed with this idea of women being "responsible" for sexual situations, and I remember how I thought about it often after that.

I asked several of my friends for stories about issues involving modesty that they had experienced, and here were some of the replies I received:


"Last year I was at the EFY program and the stake's president wife told a group of my 
girls that they were being immodest (because they could see the girls' knees 
standing), and how they were dressing like 'prostitutes'."


"I came to church dressed super nicely and my skirt rode up while I 
was sitting. Standing it was to my knees. Keep in mind this was my 
first Sunday in a brand new ward. After Sunday school, the bishop's 
wife scolded me for my attire, told me the skirt should touch the 
ground while kneeling, and walked away. She never even introduced 
herself or asked my name. I didn't go back to that ward ever again."


"At EFY when I was 15, I was sent back to change twice because my dresses didn't 
touch the floor when I knelt down. The second dress I had worn the day before on 
the spiritual day, and no one had said anything, It was probably a couple of 
millimeters from touching the floor. It was humiliating, and they almost send me 
back a third time because there was a chunk of black lace that you could see my 
knees through. It was awful, and I hope they're better about it now."


These stories can be addressed by a combination of the other points made on the LDS Living article:

Teach youth to be sensitive and respectful of other people's interpretations and practices of modesty.

Focus on the doctrine of modesty, not just the specifics.

Teach youth to trust themselves and rely on the Holy Ghost when it comes to modesty.

These three points all circulate around one particular idea: agency. 

While I do not think a tube top and mini skirt is "modest", there are some forms of dress that church members disagree on: are leggings pants? Are cap sleeves modest? 

Youth are at an age where they're learning to make their own decisions about life, and some of those decisions should include what they wear. At some point in our early years, we reach a point where our mothers stop picking out our outfits. I remember in 4th grade going to school wearing a yellow shirt and stretchy purple butterfly pants, thinking that I looked great. And I'm sure my mom cringed when I walked out the door, but she let me make that decision on my own. 

The final point that was made, about teaching youth to rely on the Holy Ghost when it comes to modesty, is crucial. Some youth will feel closer to the Spirit dressing in one way, and some will need to wear shirts with higher necks, or longer skirts, to feel that same way.

In the end, we are taught not to judge others, including their manner of dress. Do not believe that just because someone is wearing something too revealing, too tight, too short, etc. that they are not close to the Spirit.